So, I've been here 5 weeks...(a reflection of sorts)

I think, at this point, my biggest fear is that my mouth will get away from me in the promises it makes.

I want to live here forever, you see. I really and truly do. I would miss all of yous back home, with your hugs and your smiles and your conversations and your love. But until I die, I think a part of me will always belong in this part of the world. And I'll never really be whole until I come here. And living in the Midwest for the rest of my life wouldn't be fair to anyone. Especially not to God.

But my biggest fear, you see, is that I'll be a flop. I'll tell everyone that I'm coming back, don't give yourself time to miss me ladies and gents because in a few months you won't be able to get rid of me. And then, they'll wait. And wait. And wait. And I'll have secured an apartment with a best friend in the States, and started up a new job at a coffee shop as well as a job working with a parachurch ministry (because we all know I'll need to have two income sources if I want to eat), and bought permanent things like furniture and a cell phone contract and a dog or something. And then, I'll be rooted in the States. Oh sure, I could go back on all those things. But knowing me, I won't. And then I'll always be the girl who lied.

That's my biggest fear.

So, my only solution to this: find as many reasons as possible to come back to Northern Ireland after graduation. Which is why I've so many friends back at home who are telling me to find a future husband here (automatic visa, yeah yeah!)--and boy, do I ever hope it happens. Though anything long distance would be far less than ideal, I'm willing. I'm willing to change my plans for yours, Lord. And I'm willing to cry and stress and lose sleep and worry and wait for an appropriate time difference if it means I would get to live here, and be happy, and have the life I've always dreamed of having but never thought possible. I'm so willing.

And I'm willing to spend way too much money on postage, to lose hours of sleep here or there because of Skype calls, and to be forever known as "the American" if it means I get to live here. I'm willing to have "a funny accent," and be told I drive "on the wrong side of the road," and eat funny things like chip buddies, and be scolded for accidentally giving the backwards-peace-sign to someone and realizing after that I just told someone to do a specific something to his/herself...(and hope that I'm in cordial company that forgives me), and get used to the taste of instant coffee, and adjust to the weather, and hear about "my" country's government and how messed up it is (like I'm responsible or something), and everything else. I'm so willing, Lord.

I'm willing to drive myself crazy, to go the extra mile and then be told I've three more left, to earn a college education and start off with a sprint right out of the graduation gate, to rely on technology to see the faces I love, and to rely on God for new lovely faces in my life.

I am willing.