Can I just say...

...my self-worth levels have gone up so much since coming to Northern Ireland.

I'm constantly referred to as "small" here. Whereas at home I always feel like an amorphous blob. So, that's a plus. I hope I can keep it up when I return to the States, where 20 year olds the size of 12 year olds are considered "healthy," and if you're not tall then you're not much of anything.

And yeah, so I might be seen as vain for taking this as a positive and wearing it proudly. Whatever. It sure does beat how I felt a few months ago back at Crown. And it feels so good.

For the minute, that's all I have to say on that.

A Day Out

Yesterday, I was in a car for a very long time.

Around lunch, Ben and Karen came to pick me up for a drive to Belfast for Ben to practice a guitar set with a girl there (they're playing at a coffee shop later this month). But because the girl was in Dromore, we had to go there first to pick her up and then go to her house. Ay yai yai. I am certainly not used to long drives anymore, obviously. Because for some time in there, all I wanted to do was jump out.

But Courtney was a fine girl, and a fine host. Her dog is insane, though. He's a collie, and just a pup, so I can't blame him. He knows more tricks than I do (I'd compare him to my dogs, but anyone could beat them in trick-knowledge), so he's obviously not an idiot. But one thing's certain--he is a jumpy wee thing. And large(ish) jumpy dogs annoy me. So that was an unpleasant experience...I'm sure he'll be a lovely dog once he's no longer a pup, but for the time being I just can't handle it.

Following the jam session, we ventured back to Dromore and I met Ben's parents and saw his cute wee house. Every house I walk into here looks completely different, I swear. (Well, except the ones in town--those all look the same in their set-up.) But his is great. What I saw of it.

Anyway, once back to Dungannon and dropping Karen off because she wasn't feeling well at all, Ben and I went to Papa John's for pizza for dinner. And we had a couple heart-to-hearts, which was quite a relief on my end. And I did let him know to expect the fact that between him and Karen, I'll probably be better friends with him just because I always tend to be better friends with the guys of couples than the girls.

And I talked about my fear of being like Paul, single forever and ever because that's the life that God chose for him. And even if it's encouraged by Paul, I don't think I could do it. If I have to be a table-for-one forever, that would be the pits beyond all pits. Ben's opinion on the matter was, "Well, God gives you the desires of your heart, and if you desire a man then he'll give you one." But what if my heart is a big mess and not following God's will at all? I've got a lot to wrestle with these days. (Good thing it's not affecting my sleep patterns anymore, though.)

Well, those are my thoughts. Today Lexie and I are speaking a little blurb about ourselves at the morning church service, so I'm hoping that goes well enough. Really, I just hope I understand the accent of whoever's asking us the questions, because that would be embarrassing. I'll let you know how it goes...

Fresh

Today, I made a decision.

No matter what internal baggage I came over here with, I'm letting it go. I'm sick of carrying around all that junk. It's dumb, and a waste of time anyway. I'm done with it.

How I felt about my faith before coming here--that's over, too. I'm sick of being exhausted, of feeling distant from God, of making excuses as to why the distance is as great as it is. No more.

All those little fears and self-conscious thoughts I came with, those are out too. Because they're stupid, and they just hold me back. (Now, I'm not saying I'm suddenly going to be an athlete or super outgoing or anything like that...but I'm not going to be afraid to touch a ball now and again, or afraid to stand in front of a group of 12 year olds for cryin' out loud.)

No, instead I've decided it's time to start fresh.

So tonight, I played handball for probably 45 minutes.

I volunteered to tell a joke at the end of the youth event tonight when asked if I knew any--though it was forgotten later that I would, so I'll just save it for a rainy day.

I had an unplanned Skype call and didn't freak out about it because I wasn't prepared.

I'm letting my future roommate handle tomorrow's sign-up situation rather than myself--letting go of the reigns. Big step there.

I read my Bible. And rather than getting caught up with, "Ugh, I suppose I have to read this because it's the next book I said I'd read," I skipped on. And I found a new verse:

"He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again." 2 Corinthians 1:10

I can't quite tell you why this stuck out to me, but it did. And I'm going to take this little bit from God's Word and squeeze all I can out of it.

Just in time for Easter.

Anyway...that's all for the moment. More working on the mural tomorrow.

So, I've been here 5 weeks...(a reflection of sorts)

I think, at this point, my biggest fear is that my mouth will get away from me in the promises it makes.

I want to live here forever, you see. I really and truly do. I would miss all of yous back home, with your hugs and your smiles and your conversations and your love. But until I die, I think a part of me will always belong in this part of the world. And I'll never really be whole until I come here. And living in the Midwest for the rest of my life wouldn't be fair to anyone. Especially not to God.

But my biggest fear, you see, is that I'll be a flop. I'll tell everyone that I'm coming back, don't give yourself time to miss me ladies and gents because in a few months you won't be able to get rid of me. And then, they'll wait. And wait. And wait. And I'll have secured an apartment with a best friend in the States, and started up a new job at a coffee shop as well as a job working with a parachurch ministry (because we all know I'll need to have two income sources if I want to eat), and bought permanent things like furniture and a cell phone contract and a dog or something. And then, I'll be rooted in the States. Oh sure, I could go back on all those things. But knowing me, I won't. And then I'll always be the girl who lied.

That's my biggest fear.

So, my only solution to this: find as many reasons as possible to come back to Northern Ireland after graduation. Which is why I've so many friends back at home who are telling me to find a future husband here (automatic visa, yeah yeah!)--and boy, do I ever hope it happens. Though anything long distance would be far less than ideal, I'm willing. I'm willing to change my plans for yours, Lord. And I'm willing to cry and stress and lose sleep and worry and wait for an appropriate time difference if it means I would get to live here, and be happy, and have the life I've always dreamed of having but never thought possible. I'm so willing.

And I'm willing to spend way too much money on postage, to lose hours of sleep here or there because of Skype calls, and to be forever known as "the American" if it means I get to live here. I'm willing to have "a funny accent," and be told I drive "on the wrong side of the road," and eat funny things like chip buddies, and be scolded for accidentally giving the backwards-peace-sign to someone and realizing after that I just told someone to do a specific something to his/herself...(and hope that I'm in cordial company that forgives me), and get used to the taste of instant coffee, and adjust to the weather, and hear about "my" country's government and how messed up it is (like I'm responsible or something), and everything else. I'm so willing, Lord.

I'm willing to drive myself crazy, to go the extra mile and then be told I've three more left, to earn a college education and start off with a sprint right out of the graduation gate, to rely on technology to see the faces I love, and to rely on God for new lovely faces in my life.

I am willing.

Add a Dash of Independence

Last night, just before the break dancing group came in to use the space (I'm so used to it, it's not even very exciting to see break dancing anymore), I had a one-on-one meeting with my supervisor here. And it went so well!

First off, I discovered that I'm not crazy for wanting to live here. She moved here when she was just 17. I'm going to start setting as many leads out as possible so I can return. Done and done.

Second, I have a few things that I might get to head up at the Centre, which would be exciting. And I told her that I would like to get practice in leading worship, as it's something I've always wanted to do but never have. I also get to paint a mural on the wall in the Centre! I've always wanted to paint a mural, and now I'll finally get to do it...hopefully I can come up with something fitting.

And I brought up the fact that I feel so isolated sometimes, and I just want to get out and do something rather than just sit at home. (I'm used to a college-student's pace. I can take a lack of sleep for the sake of an adventure.) So on Sunday evening, rather than going home I'll be heading to Belfast with her (where she lives) and spending Monday and a bit of Tuesday there. What will I do? No idea. But I'm willing to go out and get lost for excitement's sake. What kind of abroad intern would I be if I didn't have at least one adventure on my own?

Today: staff day. I haven't a clue where we're going and what we're doing, but I'm sure it'll be grand. I'm definitely going to have a hearty breakfast, because I think most of it will be outdoors. (Something I would have hated in Minnesota just because it's all so familiar, but here...outdoors isn't so bad at all.) I want to climb a grassy hill or something. And I'll be sure to take photographs.